A friend of mine made a comment yesterday that really got me thinking, and since Abby is home sick, you get to mull over my thoughts with me.
I made the observation at lunch time yesterday that the downside to my decision to quit making Sunday Dinner is that there are no leftovers for Monday's lunch.
"You don't make Sunday Dinner?!" came two shocked replies.
"Not anymore," I answered, "I found that I was getting bitter and resentful as I worked away in the kitchen all afternoon and everyone else enjoyed the relaxations of their choice."
"But you're the Mom! That's what you're supposed to do. That's what I spend every holiday doing," one of the earlier repliers said.
"No, I'm not supposed to, unless I want to," I continued. "After all, nobody likes a martyr. I cook for them often enough the rest of the week. They are all very well fed."
I pondered away on that conversation the rest of yesterday and on into today. Part of our difference of opinion is probably that I came of age in the 70's and she in the 50's. Part of the difference is also our personalities. This friend works very hard to always be good enough, to be worthy. I'd like to be good enough, but I'm usually to lazy to work at it.
Please notice that I'm using the word, "be" here. We both work very hard to DO good, high quality work. Our work ethics are very equal and we each appreciate the other's commitment to teaching and learning. The difference between us is that I'm less inclined, although not completely immune, to determine my own intrinsic value by how hard I work for others.
I think children believe themselves to be valuable just because they exist. I think that when we were all children we also believed that we were valuable just for existing. Somewhere along the line that belief gets shaken, and it gets shaken more in some than in others.
I don't know if it's all women, or just Moms who are particularly susceptible to needing to martyr themselves in order to be worthy. Also, I don't think that everyone seeks to prove their worth through martyrdom. Some people seek to prove their worth by beauty or position. Either way, it seems destructive to me.
For certain, I haven't found the way to be content just to be loved by my Creator and tickled pink by His delight in me. I haven't figured out exactly what it is that I try to do to prove that I have value.
Maybe it's blogging.
4 comments:
I know they are still eating which means you are still cooking something, just maybe not a roast. Sounds fine to me...Lots of people I work with never cook at all. I'm just way too cheap for that!
Good for you Tonia! Let's redefine what a mom is supposed to be and do--and children too. Family means enjoying each others company,and you can do that just as well over macaroni and cheese or frozen pizza.
Loved the reflection on children believing they are valuable just because they exist . . . but, do they come out that way, or do we train them to be that way?
We usually have leftovers on Sunday. There have been nights when Blake and I are home alone and we have popcorn for dinner.
During the week we eat together as a family every night except Mon because I teach Mon nights... and we share the cooking. I put up a menu for the month so Mike knows what to cook when :)
I know you are doing a wonderful job and I'm sure your family would rather spend time with a happy mom who doesn't cook sunday dinner, than a crabby mom who did :)
Tonia - love the post! I agree that our search for self-worth and value has a lot of unintended, and often bitter, consequences.
It's hard to find tangible results for an endeavor that is best proven by intangible results. I guess that's why we fall back on things like Sunday roasts, beauty and titles. Keep fighting the good fight!
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