Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Perfect, Just Perfect
You might already be aware of this, or you might be fooled by their snappy eyes and winning smiles, but my kids are not perfect. Homework gets turned in late, clothes are left lying helter skelter, directions are repeated ad nausium, there's fighting, and even the occasional lying. None of this is easy to take; it makes me crazy and I respond less than perfectly myself. There's yelling, and stomping, and the saying of ridiculous things like, "If you ever threaten me again, I'll whop your backside." (I'm so much more a fan of irony when I'm not creating it.) Still, it's been slowly dawning on me that none of this is actually a problem per se. I'm not perfect now, I'm never going to be perfect and as my friends told me on facebook a few months ago when I was lamenting the fact that I'm not perfect, it would be scary if I was perfect and they wouldn't be my friends.
Clearly, then, it is not my job to make my kids be perfect either. It ain't gonna happen, ever. Now, being a Christian type person, you'd think I'd have this down and all. I was raised on the need for grace and forgiveness after all, but somewhere along the line I picked up another message as well and it seems to have a louder voice than the grace and forgiveness one. Somewhere I got the message that I'm A) going to have my work as a parent judged by the world at large, B) the standard by which I will be judged is how perfect my kids are, and C) this grading will also reflect how good a Christian I am. Again, you all might know this, but that message is NOT in the Bible. Sure it says to train your children and teach them in the ways of the LORD, but it does not say that they will pick up all of their clothes, never forget to call when they're going to be late, or not eat the Gino's East pizza that you were planning to eat for lunch the next day if you teach them the Shema.
Actually, the Bible says that they also are going to be screw ups and that it's God's problem to fix it, and apparently He finds it to be a big enough job that he's enlisted an entire Trinity to get the job done. I'm starting to think I might make them even more messed up if I keep trying to keep them from making mistakes and from getting hurt.
So starting today, or as soon as I feel up to it, I'm going to quit stressing about whether or not my kids are on the "right" path to being perfect adults. I don't think its a straight line from childhood to adulthood. After all, when adulthood happens seems to be up for a bit of debate itself. When they take crazy detours and even go backwards, I'm getting out of the way. I'll hug, I'll listen, I'll even offer the occasional bit of unsolicited advice, I'll pray and spend time with them, but I'm not bailing them out when they have no clean laundry and I'm not staying up all night to do their homework.
Clearly, then, it is not my job to make my kids be perfect either. It ain't gonna happen, ever. Now, being a Christian type person, you'd think I'd have this down and all. I was raised on the need for grace and forgiveness after all, but somewhere along the line I picked up another message as well and it seems to have a louder voice than the grace and forgiveness one. Somewhere I got the message that I'm A) going to have my work as a parent judged by the world at large, B) the standard by which I will be judged is how perfect my kids are, and C) this grading will also reflect how good a Christian I am. Again, you all might know this, but that message is NOT in the Bible. Sure it says to train your children and teach them in the ways of the LORD, but it does not say that they will pick up all of their clothes, never forget to call when they're going to be late, or not eat the Gino's East pizza that you were planning to eat for lunch the next day if you teach them the Shema.
Actually, the Bible says that they also are going to be screw ups and that it's God's problem to fix it, and apparently He finds it to be a big enough job that he's enlisted an entire Trinity to get the job done. I'm starting to think I might make them even more messed up if I keep trying to keep them from making mistakes and from getting hurt.
So starting today, or as soon as I feel up to it, I'm going to quit stressing about whether or not my kids are on the "right" path to being perfect adults. I don't think its a straight line from childhood to adulthood. After all, when adulthood happens seems to be up for a bit of debate itself. When they take crazy detours and even go backwards, I'm getting out of the way. I'll hug, I'll listen, I'll even offer the occasional bit of unsolicited advice, I'll pray and spend time with them, but I'm not bailing them out when they have no clean laundry and I'm not staying up all night to do their homework.
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