You might already be aware of this, or you might be fooled by their snappy eyes and winning smiles, but my kids are not perfect. Homework gets turned in late, clothes are left lying helter skelter, directions are repeated ad nausium, there's fighting, and even the occasional lying. None of this is easy to take; it makes me crazy and I respond less than perfectly myself. There's yelling, and stomping, and the saying of ridiculous things like, "If you ever threaten me again, I'll whop your backside." (I'm so much more a fan of irony when I'm not creating it.) Still, it's been slowly dawning on me that none of this is actually a problem per se. I'm not perfect now, I'm never going to be perfect and as my friends told me on facebook a few months ago when I was lamenting the fact that I'm not perfect, it would be scary if I was perfect and they wouldn't be my friends.
Clearly, then, it is not my job to make my kids be perfect either. It ain't gonna happen, ever. Now, being a Christian type person, you'd think I'd have this down and all. I was raised on the need for grace and forgiveness after all, but somewhere along the line I picked up another message as well and it seems to have a louder voice than the grace and forgiveness one. Somewhere I got the message that I'm A) going to have my work as a parent judged by the world at large, B) the standard by which I will be judged is how perfect my kids are, and C) this grading will also reflect how good a Christian I am. Again, you all might know this, but that message is NOT in the Bible. Sure it says to train your children and teach them in the ways of the LORD, but it does not say that they will pick up all of their clothes, never forget to call when they're going to be late, or not eat the Gino's East pizza that you were planning to eat for lunch the next day if you teach them the Shema.
Actually, the Bible says that they also are going to be screw ups and that it's God's problem to fix it, and apparently He finds it to be a big enough job that he's enlisted an entire Trinity to get the job done. I'm starting to think I might make them even more messed up if I keep trying to keep them from making mistakes and from getting hurt.
So starting today, or as soon as I feel up to it, I'm going to quit stressing about whether or not my kids are on the "right" path to being perfect adults. I don't think its a straight line from childhood to adulthood. After all, when adulthood happens seems to be up for a bit of debate itself. When they take crazy detours and even go backwards, I'm getting out of the way. I'll hug, I'll listen, I'll even offer the occasional bit of unsolicited advice, I'll pray and spend time with them, but I'm not bailing them out when they have no clean laundry and I'm not staying up all night to do their homework.
2 comments:
It's good to learn this lesson early on, cuz the older they get, the less you can do. I loved the whole trinity line - I am grateful for that. The other thing I'm grateful for is that I can always say "Lord, I don't know what they need, I don't even know how to pray for them, but YOU do know exactly what they need, so shine Your light in their dark places, or give wisdom, or whatever. I'm at such a different place than you. Jordan bought a house, and he's moving out this weekend. I've never been a clingy mom, and it will cause much less stress to not have two men in the house, both of whom think they know it all, but . . . I must confess, it gives me a funny feeling to see his stuff packed up! Prayer for kids never goes away.
If your kids are NOT on one of the many "right" paths...then I am worried about the rest of the world!:)
When I was a teenager--and I was a pretty good kid...-my poor dad struggled with how to best "parent" me; my mom took it all in stride. After using all of this crazy psychology and stuff he read about in books (unsuccessful, of course), threatening to send me away to school, and other things I cannot recall, I will never forget the day things changed between us. It was the day he stopped trying. He opened the door of my bedroom (I think I had the Sex Pistols or some other band cranked, drawing or writing), handed me a stack of 3-4-5 books and then said to me, "I give up! I've read all of these (books) and nothing is working. Why don't you read them and get back to me if anything in them sounds good." (One of the titles of the book was, "How to Talk to Your Teenage Daughter").....and, now look how "great" I turned out, far from perfecto, but am typically on a good path and truly so blessed/fortunate....
One more thing. I so adore the 2 pictures of your kids on the couch, in the yellow living room, where one minute they are hitting and yelling at each other and seriously! seconds later, they are smiling and happy! This is my proof that they are perfectly perfect lovely children...! And about the pizza, hide it, or lock it up. They MUST make a lock-box for the fridge :) hahaha! Problem solved.
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