Whatever

It usually starts the same way. You start out to be a good person; you intend to be a good friend, employee, parent. It's just that somewhere along the way it all goes horribly wrong, or perhaps less dramatically, just not the way you planned.

Abby and I stopped by the library to pick up a book about ballet. There's actually a whole long story that goes with that as well, involving reproductive health, but that is not the point of this story. The point of THIS story is that I was doing the good thing by going to the library with Abby to get a book about ballet. While we're at it, why don't we get some new Olivia Sharpe chapter books to read together? See what a good parent I am being here?

As I headed over to the computer to look up the author of Olivia Shapre, the librarian comes over to speak to me. She gestures to a box on top of the nearby bookshelf, "If you would like, you can enter our drawing for two free tickets to the circus. Just fill out this little slip and put it in the box. Of course, only if you want to."

Now let me inform you that Abby is standing right there between the librarian and the box, so when she says, "Of course, only if you want to," that is just so many words. Of course it doesn't matter if I WANT to or not, I am GOING to get sucked in.

"The circus?! Mom! Can we do it?! Let's do it! It's the circus?"

"What the heck," I think. "It will take me two seconds and what's the harm? It's not like anything will come of this."

A little voice in my head does say, "That's going to be a problem if she wins, because you did hear her say 'two' free tickets didn't you? And you, young lady, have three children."

The Whatever, Let's Just Get Going With The Business We Came Here to Do voice in my head is much louder and it says,"She'll never win, and she won't stop pestering you to do it, so just get on with it."

So I fill out the slip, drop it in the box, and get a phone call two weeks later saying that she's won two tickets to the circus and do I want them? It's in two days and will be in town for four days.

Do I want them? Heck no. I don't really like the circus, I've just made plans to go to Ohio/Indiana for a baby shower during the same time frame. I also have to/get to work an extra day in there. But do I say, "Oh, sorry we can't really use them. Call the next person on your list?" No, I do not.

I say, "I guess I could pick them up tomorrow."

What?! Why?!

I don't know! Guilt, I guess. Who turns down a chance to take their kid to the circus for free? Mean parents, that's who! Parents who are too busy to put their children first! Parents who make decisions based on the bottom line, not on the joyful glee of childhood! ARGH!

So I get the tickets. Then I make my next mistake. I don't look around carefully enough when I quietly mention to my husband that we have this voucher for free tickets (Which, BTW will involve a trip downtown to exchange the voucher for actual tickets and will have to be done on my one day off.) and somehow Abby overhears our discussion about the circus.

The next day, in the car, she says, "Was Dad just teasing when he said that he had circus tickets for me?"

And again, I remind you, I WANT to be a good parent and so I tell her the truth! "Yes, it's true, but honey, I'm not sure we'll be able to go."

Now the whole thing blows up in my face. The other two get involved, "What?! Abby gets to go to the circus? We want to go to the circus. That is SO not fair!" Well, duh, of course it's not fair, and while we're at it, it is SO not fair that I'm caught in this whole dung heap, but I don't mention that.

I call Russ at work. He says, "I don't want to go to the circus. Why don't you just take Abby and Rachel. JD got to go when he was three, so that's fair."

Are you kidding me?

So I wrestle and debate with myself all night. How much money do I want to spend? How much rushing around do I want to do? How mean is it to tell your kid that she won tickets to the circus but you just can't be bothered to take her? Is it possible to tell the other two that it's just their bad luck that they didn't win? It hasn't occurred to them yet that I might not have even entered them and that I was completely unfair right from the get go. Again, Argh!

In the end I tell Abby that we just can't swing it this weekend and that I'm really sorry and of course she cries. I do end up being a little bit of a good parent still because I do NOT tell her to quit her crying and get over it or I'll give her something to cry about. I do hug her and say that I understand that she's sad and again, that I'm sorry.

Let me be clear: I do NOT think that good parents give their kids everything they want. But I do feel awfully bad about this one situation when I could have given her a really fun thing for the low low cost of a little frustration and either a little money or a little pissing off of the other two kids- whichever I decided I was in the mood for.

So what's the lesson here? I have no clue, I'm just sayin' you always start off with good intentions, doncha?