A Newsweek writer posed an interesting question this week. “Is it ever ok to discipline someone else’s child?” Her unofficial research said that the social norm is, “No, pretty much never.” There were a few exceptions: If a child is in danger, the child is a very close family friend or maybe a gentle (half-hearted?) discipline on a play date.
I have to admit, that pretty much lines up with how the social norm feels to me as well. If someone else gets on my kid’s case and I’m standing right there, I don’t take it as helpful, I take it as a backhanded reprimand to me for not disciplining my own child. On the other hand, if I’m not right there, it seems to me that another adult should step in. I might feel a little resentful, or embarrassed when I find out about it, but maybe it would do my child some good to know that he/she can’t get away with stuff when I’m not watching.
I don’t know. I suppose this could be a huge can of worms, because what if the parent disciplines my kid for doing something that is perfectly ok at my house? I know of a little girl whose friend and the friend’s parents told her that she shouldn’t be reading Harry Potter because it’s from the devil. JD would have totally gone off on that parent if it had happened to him.
On the other hand if I’m at a park or something and my child is not playing nice (Can you believe that I would have that concern with my sweeties?!) and I don’t notice, then I would hope somebody’s parent would tell my kid to knock it off.
In my neighborhood, I have other people’s kids at my house all the time. In the summer, I think some of them live here. In that case, it’s my house; they’re my rules. Of course, if the neighbor kids are doing something they shouldn’t be, and then my own kids are right in the thick of it, so it’s mostly a group scolding. I would hope that other neighbor’s would be the same way at their homes.
This is where being a teacher is helpful. I’m less inhibited about bossing around other kids.
I still don’t know though. Once when I was in line at the grocery store my girls were bickering about something. I decided that Abby was the instigator in the matter and “punished” her by making her sit in the cart. As I was putting her in, the old lady in front of us hissed, yes hissed, at Rachel, “You hit her, I saw you hit her.” It was pretty ugly and Rachel denied doing it. I felt bad, Rachel felt bad; it was a bad scene.
But if Rachel had hit her sister- she would totally deny it under pressure like that- then she shouldn’t get away with it. ARGH! What’s the right thing to do?
5 comments:
That's funny, because when I was about 20 my mom mentioned in passing that the reason why they didn't allow our friends to come over very often was because my dad "didn't know what to do with other people's kids." Basically, he didn't like to discipline them, and he didn't like them misbehaving, so for him his solution was to just not put himself in a situation where he might have to choose (obviously, we hung out with our cousins a lot and they were all duly scared of him - poor Lori was as good as an angel every time she even heard my dad's name - lol). Which I don't think that's a great solution either. My husband has worked in a group home for troubled teenaged boys, and he has NO trouble bossing around other people's kids, and I am definitely the kind of person who can sit there and smile as a kid tears up my house, because I don't want to say anything to either the kid or the parent. So, there's GOT to be an appropriate way of helping kids behave someplace. I don't know, though, since I'm not a parent of a real kid (just of a dog who THINKS he's a real kid)
perhaps part of the answer is in the method of discipline. the lady at the grocery store was not so much disciplining as condemming. we can correct without condemnation. And since condemnation is never the cause of true change, all it ever does is make the condemming person feel more righteous. It also takes some knowledge of a kid to know what is condemnation and what isn't, so for a complete stranger to do something when no one is in danger, it a bit forward.
Please everyone feel free to displine my kids as needed. (especially if I am not there, I too would feel bad if they were causing problems and I wasn't paying attention.) If the rules are different at someone else's home then they need to respect that. Social responsibility- includes being a responsibile adult at all times especially when kids are around.
I discipline other people's kids for a living. :-) I don't think that I would correct the behavior of a child I didn't know - unless there was the possibility of danger. If that child was over for a playdate, I would expect him to follow the rules of the house. But... I wouldn't discipline him. Correct yes, punish, no. If it is the child of a friend, I usually have a good feeling for what they would want me to do. Oh! And I have certain rules in regards to me and my body and my personal space. IF a child is behaving inappropriately and it DIRECTLY involves me or my person, then I would feel totally justified in stopping the behavior if necessary. In other words - don't randomly come up and kick me, little kids - I WILL rebuke you whether mommy is there or not.
This situation just happened to me- and I didn't know what to do. I take John to gymnastics and when class is over the kids all want to drink from the water fountain. The kids all line up. Well one boy kept drinking and drinking and wouldn't give anyone else a chance. His parent was in the other room- and I was the only adult there, but I did not make him move because I was worried about uptight uber moms in the other room misunderstanding the situation. It was awkward too because John kept looking at me - like he knew I should do something. ANd I felt bad for that- if you see injustice you should do something not just stand there. Oh what a dilemna!
However, I am still mad at you because you called me old.
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