Another thing I love is "This American Life." You can download their podcast for free at itunes. Every week they choose a theme and bring you various stories on that theme. I'd like to copy them a little. I've chosen a theme and I'm going to tell a story about that theme, then you post a story on the same theme in the comments section and we'll all enjoy a few stories together. The theme is underwear.
When I was about 16 or 17 the task of taking my grandmother to her doctor's appointment somehow fell to me. I'm sure there were good reasons at the time, but for the moment they escape me. She needed someone to take her because she'd had a stroke and walked with a walker. When I say walked, I really mean shuffled.
Her appointment was the last one of the day. By the time we left there was no office staff and no nursing staff, just Dr. Fields and us. Dr. Fields was concerned about Grandma getting out to the car safely with such a young assistant. "Are you sure you're all right getting her out there?" he asked. Whatever my reply was it didn't instill him with much confidence because he insisted on standing on the front porch of his office and watching over us.
I pulled the car right up to the curb and Grandma inched her way out there. I opened the door and stood behind her as she scraped her walker off to the side to get it out of her way. She was supporting herself with one hand on the top of the door and one hand on the handle in the ceiling that Grandpa had installed for her. To maneuver into the car was a complicated series of foot shuffles and hip twists. If she were younger and from another background you might have called it dancing. At any rate, it was right in the middle of all this shuffling and twisting that Grandma's frugal habit of keeping things that should have been thrown out came along to bite her in the...
Well, actually that was the trouble. Her underwear, with it's worthless elastic, wasn't anywhere near her butt. It had given into gravity and was down around her ankles.
"Oh Tonia!" she said, "Is Dr. Fields looking?"
I glanced back, and of course he was looking! That was the whole point of him standing there! But what I said was, "I don't think he can see a thing. You just keep right on shuffling those feet until you come out of that underwear. Then I'll scoop them into the car and no one will be the wiser."
So my grandma, her dignity having better elastic than her drawers, got back to the task of getting into the car, this time with the added challenge of stepping out of her underwear. When she was safely in, I snatched up the underwear, trying to block the Dr.'s view with my body, tossed it on the front seat floor, and off we went. No harm done.
5 comments:
Oh my gosh! You want me to top THAT?? LMAO! Oh wait...my mom doesn't like it when I say that...LMBO. There.
Ok.... my underwear story is actually a BRA story but it's the same stuff right??
When my mom was 70 years old my uncle had a family Christmas party at a roller rink. My mom and dad used to roller skate all the time when they were dating. Anyway... Mom decided she'd give it a try again. She apparently had been doing quite well until I got there (I had to come after work) and she went out on the floor to show off for me and she fell! She broke BOTH arms! Yup. BOTH.
Santa Claus helped her out to the car.
EVERYONE in the ER kept coming in to her room wanting to meet this 70 year old woman who had been ROLLER SKATING!
So... there she is. Both arms in casts. One from above the elbow to the fingers, the other from below the elbow to the fingers. She actually broke her wrists.
Well. Along with broken arms come trips to the doctor.
I had been sleeping on the sofa because Mom couldn't make it up the stairs to her bed and she needed help during the night to get up and use the "facilities". hee hee.
So one night she decides that she'll be fine and I can go up and sleep in my own bed. So I do. I wake up in the morning to what sounds like my mother crying!
I FLEW outta bed and down the stairs. To find my mom laughing hysterically while my dad was trying to put her bra on her so she could go to the doctor. He just didn't quite get the concept and she was laughing so hard that her boobs were shaking all over the place which made it even MORE difficult for Pop.
I said, "Hey Pop, you can take em off but ya can't put em on huh?" He just started laughing.
Yeah. She went to the doc with no bra that day. I assured her a baggy sweatshirt would hide all evidence :)
Great idea T! I needed a laugh today.
Jo
Hi Tonia, I've been following your blog faithfully and enjoying it--I'm just not much of a commenter, but this one I can't resist. Thanks for the great Grandma Nome story. I was always jealous of my cousins that got to hang out/help out with her.
My best underwear story involves Kalin at about 3 years old. Sunday morning after baths, I always hauled the kids and clothes downstairs to get them dressed. This morning I forgot Kalin's underwear-- oh well, I just put her dress on and figured I'd get them later.
At about the end of church, kalin had to potty and wanted some help. So Aunt Carla took her and came back with a weird look on her face. Guess what? No underwear!! Now she was not a child to sit still like a lady in a dress. Shawn had her in the balcony and she plays in the aisles and climbs over benches, etc. He noticed a lot of people were laughing this day, but of course chalked it up to his cute, funny daughter.
L! O! L! I don't really have any funny underwear stories. Unless, you would count my absolute most embarassing moment. Turns out my wrap skirt was probably related to Grandma's underwear, because in the middle of my kindergarten classroom it failed to stay up and there I stood in all my 5-year-old-white & pink-girly-underwear glory - in front of Eric Peirkowski (whom I loved with the most wild five-year-old passion). So, embarrassing. I still blush. You would thing that 2 decades + later I would be able to move on and find myself a new most embarassing moment, but I can't. I just can't. LOL! Anyway, kudos to grandma. I remember her laughing about that story. Kudos to her for having a great sense of humor. Of course, anyone who laughs at her husband taping her snoring must have a pretty decent sense of humor.
Jo that one is side-splitting funny!
OK- Someone, who will remain nameless, went to work out at a new workout center out of town. She normally wore spandex bike shorts and then nylon shorts over the top, but failed to pack them on this trip. She figured it will be OK to just wear the spandex shorts. "I'm far from home and don't know anyone." She went and did step class with the teacher and her fiance (who stood behind her the whole time). When she got back to the hotel and looked in the mirror she realized the shorts were completely see-through. Oh, all those squats and lunges.... horror!
Okay Tonia,
I agree with Shane, that was a great Grandma story. Grandma did have a great sense of humor. I miss her.
Okay here is my underwear story or lack there of. Just his last weekend, Sunday afternoon to be exact, I came out of my bedroomf room from talking to Damon to see my sweet little three year old Bella standing in the living room with nothing on but a pair of Tinkerbell wings and plastic Cinderella shoes. Of course the curtains were open and luckily there was no one passing by in the street.
And as I think about it I have another underwear story. A couple of years ago our kids had an assembly. One of our elementary's jump roping team had come to show our kids their routine. Of course they wanted teachers to come up at one point. I didn't want to go, but of course I wasn't going to be outdone by several older teachers. So, up on stage I went. I didn't think I had to go to the bathroom, but as I started to jump I started to leak. I was never so glad to get off that stage. But for the rest of the day I had to sit in slightly soggy jeans and keep my legs seriously crossed. Luckily, no one else knew, but it was still embarassing. Man, after two kids your bladder just isn't very strong.
Aimee
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