A Sad Epiphany

I think it's Jesus who says this, but it might be his follower, Paul. "If you are guilty of one part of the Law, then you are guilty of the whole Law."

I always thought that was a little harsh. I mean come one, who doesn't mess up occasionally? Who could possibly meet that standard? I thought it was one of those exaggerations meant to show me what a sinner I am and how I could never make it without Jesus. While it is true that I couldn't make it without Jesus, I'm not sure that was Jesus' motivation for making the comment. Or maybe he had a lot of motivations- he is brilliant like that- and this is just one of them.

I have a work friend that I've been working with for going on five years now. We've become pretty close, sharing stories and histories that go beyond school. She prays for my friends and I've prayed for her family. It's a good work friendship. We encourage each other, swap ideas and share the load.

A few weeks ago when I was having a majorly hormonal day there was a group of us working on the recess schedule. It was a nightmare. We could not find a time when all seven of us could have recess together, to share the duty and get each person a break. We finally decided there would have to be multiple recesses which meant everyone taking on more responsibility. During all of this I found that I was the recording secretary and sort of moderating the discussion.

When my friend mentioned that the day she was going to take duty was a day that she wasn't going to have any breaks, I tried to get her to take a different day. She declined. I tried again. She declined again. I tried again, but with less patience. She declined once more and that's when I blew it. I snapped at her, "Fine! Then I don't want there to be any complaining about how you don't have any breaks this year!"

"There won't be," she said, with a hurt and puzzled look.

Much later, as in a month later, we were able to talk about what had happened. I apologized for yelling at her in front of everyone and said that it wouldn't happen again. Unfortunately, it seems like there is still some residual awkwardness.

Which brings me, finally, to my said epiphany. No matter how many encouraging things I have said to her, no matter how many times I've listened kindly, no matter how generous I have been in the past, I blew it. Things are not the same between us. They may be again at some point, but one "little" ugly thing looms much larger than all the good things.

Jesus wasn't laying on a guilt trip. As he does so often, he was just telling it like it is.